A.B.D. Dad
I advanced to candidacy earlier this year when I completed coursework, passed my comprehensive exams, and defended my prospectus. It was a major milestone and such an important moment for me and my family. However, something even more important than reaching the “all but dissertation” (ABD) stage happened shortly after—I became a dad.
In this post, I reflect on how I’m navigating parenthood and my Ph.D. work. It’s not the kind of blog with useful tips—although there is a good point at the end of this post. I’m still new to parenthood and trying to figure things out myself, so I focus on how I’m learning and unlearning ways to practice a healthier work-life balance in a Ph.D. program while being a dad.
In this post, I reflect on how I’m navigating parenthood and my Ph.D. work.
Before I wrote this post, I searched online to better understand how other grad students in the humanities manage a healthy work-life balance with kids. My concept of a healthy work-life balance includes an active involvement in my son’s daily care and development alongside a steady progression of research and writing that culminates in a finished dissertation by the time my Ford Foundation Predoctoral Fellowship ends in Spring 2024.
Through my online search, I was hoping to find tips from grad students in history, ethnic studies, or environmental studies who are also parents, but I came up a bit short. Sure, there were examples online, but many were by dad grad students in the sciences who work in labs. Their blogs focused on how they navigate lab work for a PI while caring for a child part-time. Some had childcare services on weekdays which allowed them to dissertate uninterrupted for about 4 to 8 hours most days—something I don’t have. Some tried to hide the fact that they were parents because academic hiring committees might not want to hire an applicant who couldn't dedicate the majority of their time to research—parenting isn’t something I want to hide about myself. Some had links for me to click and buy stuff—but I wasn’t looking to buy stuff. Long story short? Their stories were helpful to a certain extent, but not as applicable as I’d hoped. So, I thought I’d give it a try by sharing my experiences.
If you’re a Ph.D. student in the humanities and you’re new to the parenting world like I am, then I hope this post helps you reflect on how you’re managing a healthier work-life balance. As with most of my posts on here—I’d love to hear from you!
My spouse and I are both in graduate school, and over the past few years, this has allowed us to make our own work schedules. Creating our own schedules has required a great deal of self-management and accountability, but the flexibility we’ve had has been generally good. For example, before I became a dad, my typical pre-pandemic week went something like this: I’d leave home early to hop on the bus to campus where I’d spend most of my day reading and writing at my desk. More often than not, I’d attend a seminar, presentation, or lead a discussion section for undergrads as part of my TAship. My entire days revolved around my Ph.D. work, and I thought that in order to be a good grad student, I needed to work (reading, writing, and applying to fellowships and conferences) for the vast majority of my waking hours. It wasn’t really sustainable, and looking back it wasn’t as fulfilling as I thought it would have been. On top of that, my seemingly endless work hours were hurting the relationships that I wanted to cultivate with the friends, family, and people I cared about most. It was only very recently that I realized something: the day will come when I finish my dissertation—the dissertation won’t be part of my life forever, but I want the people I care about to still be there when it’s over.
As a new dad, all aspects of my life and daily routine have changed. I thought a Ph.D. program was hard! And it is, but being a parent is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even though my spouse and I planned on starting a family, and even though I read as much as I could about parenting a newborn before my son was born, the daily realities have been quite different from what I expected. The first month was somewhat of a blur. Sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and stress were part of it, but that wasn’t all. Looking back, they were overshadowed with a feeling of joy that came with seeing, holding, changing, bathing, and feeding my son. My spouse and I would talk to him, sing songs, dance, and take strolls around the block nearly everyday. We were also fortunate enough to both have flexible schedules that allowed us to attend pediatric appointments. Everything about being a dad made me put a pause on my work. I had to. I couldn’t just ask my infant son to wait a minute while I finished typing another sentence—that wouldn’t have panned out too well. Either way, parenting helped me realize what was more important to me. It wasn’t my work.
Prior to parenthood, I would tell myself to take breaks but never really followed through on them. My work was always there calling me back, beckoning me to read another chapter. The work was there every time I glanced at my desktop in the living room. Skipping breaks (and sometimes meals) made me think that I could get ahead if I just read or wrote for another hour, or two, or three. It often left me feeling depleted, and I never did get ahead because there was always more reading and writing to do. It was an unhealthy relationship with my research, but I didn't see it then. I’m still unlearning that mindset and everyday I’m accepting that I can’t pull full-day sessions like I used to. Even if I could, I don’t think I would. And, that’s okay. I will still write my dissertation. I’m just learning to practice ways where I can write it more efficiently.
What have I learned so far? In these few short months of parenthood? Well, I’ve learned that each day will not be as predictable as it used to be—even with a routine. So, it helps to be flexible with a schedule that helps me focus on both my family and my dissertation research. My spouse and I are the main caregivers so we split the days and nights into shifts. During the day, this helps one of us focus on an hour of work and/or personal tasks while the other one cares for our son. We switch about every hour and so far it’s working well. (We’re always adjusting and flexible with each day.) The important thing, to me, is that I’ve learned I can still set and accomplish writing goals with less work hours than before and still get the same amount of work done than if I would have spent all day trying to write. I’m essentially working more efficiently than before. At night, when we’re not working, we split shifts so that one of us can sleep uninterrupted for about 5-hours, while the other one is ready to get up to feed or change him. It’s working as well as it can for now. Although, a large cup or two of coffee still helps me start the day.
If you’re a grad student who is also a new parent, or know someone who is, and you’ve read this far, I have a few simple words of unsolicited advice: Navigating a healthy work-life balance in grad school is one of the most important things about the entire process. It’s way more important than “trying to catch up” to “get ahead” of things. It’s more important than trying to look smart. You’re enough. You’re smart and you don’t have to constantly try to prove that to people on campus or at a conference, so please take care of yourself and the people around you.
As a final point, I’ll share this: Over the summer I read Peg Boyle Single’s book, Demystifying Dissertation Writing: A Streamlined Process from Choice Topic to Final Text, and I only wish I’d read it sooner. Aside from the practical guidance provided, Single offers important words about life outside the dissertation while you’re in the throes of writing. The most important take away point from Single’s Demystifying Dissertation Writing is written below. I’ve been thinking about it everyday.
“As you keep your dissertation in perspective, remember to spend time with those people you love and trust. Make sure you nurture these relationships so that they are around after your dissertation is completed.” - Peg Boyle Single in Demystifying Dissertation Writing, page 136.